Here's My List Of Presidential Candidates By Dick Size

Trump may be a full blown clown show, but he puts some provocative ideas on the table. I mean, maybe the Washington establishment does need a shake-up. Maybe it is about time that someone spoke truth to power, and refused to read from the script. Maybe someone needs to be asking uncomfortable questions to our leaders in a way they can't ignore. Maybe the political dialogue needs to include the unrestrained voice of a hostile electorate.

Also, I wonder which candidate has the biggest dick. 

So, based on everything we've observed in the election cycle so far, cross-referenced against my advanced knowledge of locker-room social dynamics, I have compiled this list of who in the 2016 Presidential election has the biggest dick. 

1. Rocky De La Fuente

Obviously. Just look at ol' Roque and tell me I'm wrong. Take one good, long look at that mug and tell me he doesn't have the unique twinkle in his eye of a man with a huge dick. Need a second look? Check out his family and tell me it wasn't built by a magnificent dick:

 He's got the swagger about him of a man who knows that he has a sledgehammer dangling between his knees. People think he's strutting, but he's just got to bow his knees to keep from hitting his nuts.

That's not called strutting or swaggering, it's called dangling.

And Rocky De La Fuente is dangling all day. That's why he can smile like that even though he didn't get invited to any debates, he's only on the ballot in 20 states, and most people have no idea who he is (yet). 

2. Donald Trump

I'll buy it. He's dangling for sure. Guys with big dicks can often have that unreasonable confidence. Like: "So what if I'm wrong, I've got a big dick."

At the end of the day, it's all that any man really wants. And if you've got one, the world is your oyster.

I bet he's rocking 8 and a half, but he'll tell you it's 10. 

3. Ben Carson

Dr. Ben represents the smallest of the "big dick" candidates. It's a pretty big dick, but–ya know– not the biggest you've ever seen or anything. Let's just say "underwhelming for his demographic" and leave it at that.

4. Marco Rubio

For a Cuban guy, Marco's nothing special. Maybe 6 and a half. Nothing that's going to turn heads in a speedo on Miami Beach. But that's why he loves Washington DC so much. When he's in the showers after playing some raquetball, he lets that thing hang dry. Standing next to all those WASPy Ivy-League boys with pale little peckers that barely poke through a tuft of blond pubic hair, Marco has the Latino love-stick he's always dreamed of.

5. Bernie Sanders

5 and 3/4's. Enough to do the job. Nothing to be ashamed of. What we need to be focusing on now is not the size of the boat, but rather the motion of the ocean. 

6. John Kasich

It's a working man's dick. Humble and unashamed. It might not be very impressive, but he'll make up for it in other ways, like he'll go down on you for a long time and mix in some really dynamic hand stuff. But he's also running his campaign based on real issues that matter to thoughtful conservatives, not on dick size or hypothetical sexual performance (which is probably why he's losing so badly).

7. Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz has a very small penis, if he has a penis at all. I would say it is highly likely that he is a eunuch. Even if he wasn't castrated by some sinister dark lord, I can reasonably imagine several scenarios in which Ted Cruz would cut off his own penis. I also think it's not unlikely that he was born (or hatched from an egg) without a penis to begin with. 

Honorable Mention: Bill Clinton

Big Bubba is definitely packing heat. But strictly speaking, this is about the candidate. I almost threw Hillary on this list since she (technically) owns that dick by way of marriage, but I'm not sure how much she can really claim ownership of Lil' Big Bubba. Contractually speaking, she's got a claim. It's in the fine print. But let me ask you this: can you own the wind? Can you own the moonlight? Can you own a mother's love? No. Bubba is an elemental force of nature. I heard he can crush beer cans with it. He would have come in at #2, right behind Rocky.